Self-Sabotage: Why We Get in Our Own Way
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is the act of undermining your own success, happiness, or well-being—often without realizing it. It’s when your actions, thoughts, or behaviors conflict with your goals or values. You might want to succeed, but find yourself procrastinating. You might crave connection, but push people away. These patterns can be frustrating and confusing, especially when you’re trying to grow.
Common Forms of Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage can look different for everyone, but common behaviors include:
Avoiding tasks or commitments because of fear of failure or judgment
Setting unrealistic goals that set you up for disappointment
Engaging in toxic or unfulfilling relationships that reinforce negative beliefs
Neglecting self-care, such as skipping meals, sleep, or exercise
Overcommitting to others while neglecting your own needs
Procrastinating even when you care deeply about the outcome
These behaviors often serve as a defense mechanism—protecting you from perceived threats like rejection, disappointment, or vulnerability.
Why We Do It
Self-sabotage is often rooted in:
Fear of failure: “If I don’t try, I can’t fail.”
Fear of success: “If I succeed, expectations will rise, and I might not keep up.”
Low self-worth: “I don’t deserve good things.”
Unresolved trauma: Past experiences may have taught you that safety comes from staying small or invisible.
Perfectionism: The belief that anything less than perfect isn’t worth doing.
These beliefs often operate beneath the surface, influencing behavior in subtle but powerful ways.
How to Break the Cycle
Increase Awareness: Start by noticing when you’re engaging in self-sabotaging behavior. What are the triggers? What thoughts or emotions come up?
Challenge Inner Criticism: Replace harsh self-talk with compassionate, realistic affirmations. Ask yourself, “Would I say this to a friend?”
Set Realistic, Achievable Goals: Break big goals into smaller, manageable steps. Celebrate progress, not perfection.
Practice Self-Compassion: Understand that setbacks are part of growth. Treat yourself with kindness, especially when you stumble.
Work with a Therapist: Therapy can help you uncover the root causes of self-sabotage, reframe limiting beliefs, and build healthier coping strategies.