Continuing Bonds: How We Stay Connected After Loss

Grief doesn’t end. It changes.

For many years, the dominant view in psychology was that healing from the death of a loved one meant “letting go” and “moving on.” But for most people, that model never quite fit. The idea of severing ties with someone we deeply loved can feel not only impossible—but wrong.

Enter the concept of continuing bonds: the idea that our connection to someone who has died doesn’t have to end. Instead, that relationship can evolve. It can continue in new ways—through memory, ritual, inner dialogue, and even daily life.

What Are Continuing Bonds?

The term “continuing bonds” comes from grief researchers Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman, who challenged the outdated idea that healthy grieving means detaching from the deceased. Instead, they argued that it’s natural—and often healing—to maintain a relationship with the person who died, just in a different form.

This might look like:

• Talking to your loved one in your mind or out loud

• Wearing their jewelry or clothing

• Cooking their favorite meal on special occasions

• Feeling their presence in nature, music, or dreams

• Carrying their values or teachings forward in your own life

• Keeping photos, letters, or objects as tangible links

• Saying “I love you” even if no one else hears it

Rather than being a sign you’re “stuck,” these moments can be a source of comfort, identity, and love.

Why Continuing Bonds Matter

Grief is not about forgetting. It’s about adjusting.

When someone dies, especially someone central to your life, their absence creates an emotional rupture. But that doesn’t mean the relationship disappears. The love remains. The influence remains. So does the desire to stay connected.

Continuing bonds offer a way to integrate loss, rather than erase it. They allow us to carry the person with us—not as a ghost haunting us, but as a presence that lives in memory, feeling, and meaning.

In this way, grief becomes less about closure and more about transformation.

Common Ways People Maintain Bonds

There’s no “right” way to stay connected, but here are some ways that often feel supportive:

• Inner Conversations: Many people talk to their deceased loved one during quiet moments, when making big decisions, or before going to sleep. This can offer reassurance and a sense of connection.

• Symbolic Reminders: Some find comfort in butterflies, cardinals, feathers, or other symbols that feel like signs. Others wear something that belonged to the person or carry a note in their wallet.

• Creative Rituals: Writing letters, lighting a candle on anniversaries, or planting a tree in someone’s honor can serve as ongoing gestures of connection and remembrance.

• Legacy Work: Continuing a loved one’s work, supporting a cause they cared about, or embodying the values they stood for can turn grief into purpose.

• Shared Stories: Talking about the person with others—recalling memories, funny moments, or meaningful lessons—keeps them alive in your community and culture.

Is It Ever Unhealthy?

While continuing bonds are a normal part of grief, they can become painful if they block you from re-engaging with life or keep you trapped in unresolved trauma.

Examples of potentially unhelpful patterns include:

• Feeling unable to function unless you sense their presence

• Avoiding all relationships because “no one else will compare”

• Idealizing the person so much that real memories get lost

• Using the bond to avoid facing feelings of guilt, regret, or anger

In these cases, therapy can help unpack the relationship, explore complex emotions, and find ways to relate to the deceased that feel loving and life-affirming.

Continuing Bonds in Children

Children often naturally maintain continuing bonds. They might talk to a deceased parent at bedtime, draw pictures for them, or imagine what advice they’d give. These behaviors are not signs of confusion or distress—they're healthy ways of making sense of loss through imagination and love.

Rather than correcting or discouraging these actions, adults can support them by asking open questions like:

• “What do you think Dad would say about that?”

• “Do you want to make something special for her birthday?”

• “What do you remember most about them?”

This helps normalize grief and reinforces that love doesn’t end when someone dies.

Final Thoughts

Grief changes us, but it doesn’t mean we have to let go of the people we love.

The continuing bonds model reminds us that love after loss is not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of how deeply we care. It honors the truth that some relationships shape us so profoundly, we carry them with us forever.

You are allowed to speak their name.
You are allowed to keep them with you.
And you are allowed to heal in your own time, in your own way.

Grief is not about forgetting. It’s about remembering with love.